


the bitterness of winter (or the sweetness of spring)

by biochemprincess



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Mentions of PTSD, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-05
Updated: 2015-02-05
Packaged: 2018-03-10 15:46:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3295940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/biochemprincess/pseuds/biochemprincess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It started with 'Would you do me a favour' and 'I promise no bodies involved' and here she is now, standing sentinel to protect a girl from nothing but herself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the bitterness of winter (or the sweetness of spring)

**Author's Note:**

> The idea has been in the back of my head for a while now, but I wanted to do it justice so it took some time to finish. This happens in some undefined timeframe between Jemma's return and the midseason finale. Feedback is very much appreciated. :)   
> Title comes from the song "I'll Keep You Safe" by Sleeping At Last.

It started with  _Would you do me a favour_ and  _I promise no bodies involved_ and here she is now, standing sentinel to protect a girl from nothing but herself.

There are no monsters, but the demons inside her head, no intruders but the painful memories omnipresent in her dreams.

She watches Simmons sleep, tucked into a mess of blankets and pillows. She’s all skin and bones these days, a fragile construct; ready to collapse any second. She’s a star that burned too bright, a shallow shadow of her former self.

But Jemma Simmons is still  _here,_  still shining.

Even more important: She is back where she belongs.

May doesn’t pity her, it wouldn’t do her justice. Not now and very likely never.

_I have --- nightmares. And yeah ---_

It took her by surprise, Jemma’s request. She’d have expected anything else, training sessions for example, like Skye wanted them. But who is she to judge?

_Could you keep an eye at me while I sleep?_

 

 ***

 

Sometimes May wishes to turn back time. She’d pick someone else. She’d pick a different pair to do it.

But she’d wanted them. They were a team already – not Fitz and Simmons, but Fitzsimmons – and she’d thought it would be easier to integrate Ward into it. Skye and HYDRA and the downfall of S.H.I.E.L.D all hadn't been part of the plan.

 

***

 

Some nights she’s in the lab past any reasonable hour, working herself into exhaustion. May knows what she’s trying to do, just like she knows it won’t be working. Exhaustion doesn’t induce sleep, at least not the way Jemma would like it.

Tonight is another night like this.

The girl’s hair is tucked behind her ears, single strands falling into her eyes. May walks towards her silently, touching her shoulder only so lightly, afraid she might break like a glass doll.

“Enough.”

Jemma doesn’t object, only nods and disposes her gloves in the waste.

This night she doesn’t scream.

 

***

 

_Can you do me another favour?_

May nods.

_Please don't come in again. Just --- stay outside, please._

And May nods again.

 

 ***

 

"Could you teach me?"

Her next question is unnecessary - she knows what Jemma is asking from her, but she goes ahead nonetheless.

"Teach you what exactly?"

"How to not feel anymore."

May's heart breaks at her words. 

Jemma's too young to be asking for something of this dimension. She watches with eyes not as bright as they once were, dark circles framing them. She was just a kid all those months ago and she 's just a kid now, while she wants the pain to finally stop. 

"No."

"Why?"

"Find another way."

Her words cause something in the girl - her body is trembling, like even more weight had been lifted on her shoulders. She's Atlas, burdened by a whole invisible world, and she cannot carry the weight forever. 

May can see tears in her eyes, just before Jemma turns around and goes back to her work again. 

That's the end of their conversation.

***

 

Hill warned her back then.  _‘Where one goes the other one will follow. Are you sure you want to risk that?’_

May didn’t understand, not until Jemma jumped out of an airplane to save them – s _ave him_ – instead of herself and he’d have followed suit.

_Where one goes the other one will follow._

 

***

 

Only sheer willpower and her promise to Jemma keep May from tearing down the door to the girl’s bunk and wake her up. Whatever she’s dreaming about – it must be hell. The sobs and screams echo through the hallway and for the first time May’s afraid someone might hear them. And she’s right.

Fitz – who else would it be – is up only minutes later. His body speaks sleep, but his eyes shout fear and Jemma – it’s the only word his brain always seems to know.

“Is – is she okay?”

“Go back to sleep. I’ve got this.”

“But Jemma --- “

"She needs to figure this out on her own."

Her face is stern, keeping him at distance. She will keep her promise - she'll hold vigil as long as Jemma needs her to. 

Fitz nods calmly, turning around to back to his bunk again. But before he’s gone he whispers for only them to hear: “But what if she wants help?”

And May can’t help but think that maybe he’s right.

 

***

 

"She doesn't look good." Skye suddenly says at the end of their training session.

"Who?"

"I know you're playing bodyguard for Simmons."

May doesn't answer. Skye worried, just like the rest of the team is, but this is not her story to tell.

"I only want her to be her old self again."

Again, May remains silent. Not because she doesn't have an answer, but because it is too painful to speak it out loud.

Simmons, just like Fitz, will never be her old self again. She lost part of her at the bottom of the ocean. And she won't get it back.

 

***

 

It's enough. Tonight the screams are quieter, the sobs softer than the nights before. But it feels like something in the universe shifted. If she doesn't do anything right now, they'll lose her. Despite her promise, May opens the bunk door. 

Jemma's curled up in a ball, tears streaming down her face. She doesn't seem to be awake, the nightmares tormenting her are to blame for this. 

May doesn't wait another second. She sheds her shoes and pulls Jemma close, until her face is at her shoulder. Her cries become louder and heavier. The girl clings to May's body like she is a lifeline, a guardian guiding her through the depths of her own darkness.

They stay like this for a very long time.

 

***

 

"HYDRA won't find you. We'll keep you safe."

"It's not HYDRA."

"---"

"I'm not afraid of HYDRA."

"What is it then?"

"There's water. Always. So much water. And I'm losing him to the ocean."

 

***

 

It gets better. May's still watching her for some nights, sometimes she hugs her close and stays with her all through until the break of dawn.

It's not a miracle remedy, because miracles don't exist, especially not in their world.

But Jemma talks a little more and she smile a little more and she eats a little more and maybe it's a small miracle.

It's not perfect, but it gets better.


End file.
